


Relax, Mia Is In Control

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Body Image, Bulimia, Coping, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Panic Attacks, Scratching, Self-Harm, Trigger Warnings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, attempt at recovery, binging and purging in detail, burning as self-harm, distorted body image, failed coping methods, or lack thereof, recovery college, there needs to be an archive warning for eating disorders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-01-23 09:19:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12504116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: "It is cold so cold walking over to the scale but it's worth it when (she) stands seeing the numbers dropping yet again it is a sense of pride and even relief until (she) sees her reflection in the mirror haunting (her) on the way back to bed and (she) quietly decides that it is not yet enough numbers that has dropped." (unknown)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE WARNINGS!! If you haven't gotten that this will be literally about someone binging/purging and self harming yet, this is your LAST warning.

The second she slammed the door behind her, she collapsed to the floor in desperate, delirious gulps for air. Her entire body was trembling and the tears she had been holding back all day were spilling down her chubby cheeks and dripping onto her hands. 

As she made to stand up, her fingernails dug painfully into her skin. Even the rush of pain was useless in calming her down. She was so fat she could hardly feel it anyway. Only one thing would fix this-

“O-one…” She closed her eyes, trying so hard to breath in with her 4-count. A raspy exhale cut her off at three. She didn’t even get to the holding part. 

Failure. Weak. Can’t even fucking breathe right. 

She flinched hard, her entire body reacting to the mental torture. 

She managed to get into the kitchen, searching the fridge for something, anything to quell the burning, dizzying hunger. There was half a leftover hawaiian pizza. (280 calories per slice. 1120 calories overall.) She couldn’t get the gooey, sweet poison into her mouth fast enough. She slid down the side of the fridge that remained closed, the pizza box in her lap. She crammed as much into her mouth as she could at a time, washing it down with great gulps of milk (122 calories per 8 oz so 244 calories). Hardly sated, she shut the fridge and scanned the cabinets for more food. Two cans of tomato soup, an unopened box of Ritz crackers. Canned vegetables. And a pack of Oreos. She grabbed a can of the tomato soup, the Ritz crackers, and the Oreos.

Twelve Oreos (1680 calories) and crumbs clung to her sweater like the fatty sugar would cling to her arteries, her hips, her face, her thighs, her arms…

Four sleeves of Ritz crackers, 140 crackers (2268 calories.) 

Tomato soup, creamy and rich as it slid down her throat, pushing to fatfatfatfatfat (70 calories).

She did the math in her head as she drank water between spoonfuls of burning failure on her tongue that tasted so good and like cardboard at the same time. 

5,382 calories.

Her stomach turned violently at the number, imagining the scale breaking under her pathetic failing crave for food. Absolutely no control.  _ Fuck. _

Almost two fucking pounds.

Oh God oh God oh God.

She almost didn’t make it to the toilet before hiccups of puke hit the porcelain. When she could see straight again, she clutched her thigh with white knuckles, engraving red crescents into her disgusting, fatty hunks for legs. One deep breath. Two fingers. They had to sit, rammed down her throat, teeth digging into her knuckles before the vomit started rising and she began heaving violently into the toilet. 

Her eyes watered, and she saw double. The bile burned her throat, but she wasn’t done. Four bottles of water later and her vomit ran clear. 

Her body shook as she washed her hands and she couldn’t stop coughing. She usually had terrible coughing fits after a purge. She enjoyed it, actually. It was a sign that her throat was raw from keeping her body clean clean clean. 

She had her control back. No more slip ups. 

Her low calorie gatorade bottle was retrieved from the fridge (only 30 calories). She had learned early on to keep her electrolytes replenished. Otherwise she would get dehydrated. Dehydration led to hospital trips that brought up unanswerable questions

She had a lot of trash to clean up and and get rid of before Alfred got home in… Shit. Five minutes. 

“No more eating. You’ll be happier. Gatorade. 150 push ups, 75 crunches, 100 lunges each, and 150 squats. You don’t deserve anymore food you fatass.” She muttered to herself as she picked up her mess, trash bag in hand. The second she had taken the trash out, she raced back inside, set her Gatorade on the end table in the living room. She took a sharpie and wrote:

150 p

75 c

100 l

150 s

She started with the squats, knowing when Alfred got home he would want to talk and give her a short break from the burn of squats. She hated them, which was why she did so many. If they hurt, she wasn’t fit enough. If they hurt she needed more. Pain meant thin thin thin. Perfect, slim figure. Petite wrists and lovely long fingers that did not remotely resemble tiny sausages. Lily white, graceful neck… The thought made her push herself further, speeding up the rates of her squatting.

Alfred came home making all the ruckus of someone smashing lamps for sport. He grinned at his sister in her workout clothes (sweats and her sports hoodie). “How many is that?”

“Like… 5?” she lied, pretending she wasn’t counting. “Just… ten more.”

“Wow, up to fifteen, huh? Nice job. I was thinking of just ordering take out tonight, what do you think?” Alfred suggested, shouting from the kitchen. He didn’t need to shout. Their walls were so thin, you could hear every breath of the neighbors across the street. It made her binging and purging attempts very, very difficult. She had learned how to puke quietly.

She finished her last squat, crossing the number off her arm. One drink of Gatorade. No more. Pace yourself. Don’t be obvious. 

“Go ahead. I had a massive lunch. I’ll eat later if I get hungry.”

Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

Don’t notice. Be normal normal normal. 

“Whatever floats your boat, sister-roo. I’m getting some Mickey-Dee’s then.” 

And he was out the door.

The thought of those greasy, sinful, starches fried in pure fat made Madeline gag. He would come home, too, reeking of diabetes and greasy obesity. It wasn’t fair. He ate like a starving man that might never see food again and was total muscle. He was fit and perfect and tan. Had a girlfriend and everything.

What did Maddie have? Her fat ass. She didn’t deserve anything else. Not until she was fit and perfect. 

She went back to her regiment, plugging in her headphones as she worked out. Triumph’s album, Edge of Success blared through her speakers, beating itself into her brain. She kept the volume cranked up to drown out the overwhelming waves of her own self-pity for just a little while.

Their apartment was too cold. God, it was always frigid lately. She embraced the cold. Cold meant weight loss. Cold gave her an excuse to hide her gross, fatty, scarred body from the undeserving eyes of the world. 

Her head started pounding painfully after her workout. Turning the music off didn’t help. The screaming torture in her head, calling for twelve more push ups, one hundred more squats, fed into the ache. She ignored it.

Homework didn’t wait for headaches. Homework didn’t care about diets. Homework would remain whether acknowledged or not. 

She sat herself down and muddled through two pages of Calculus before her vision got so blurry she couldn’t see the numbers anymore. The throb of her head and the tears filling her eyes made her race to her bedroom. Three ibuprofen (1.5 calories), a swish of Gatorade. 

She was tired. She wanted to lie down. But a panic attack was coming on. Panic attacks meant locked doors, piles of homework, and absolutely no sleep. 

Once again she failed her breathing techniques and succeeded in stressing herself out even more. She gulped air into her desperate, crying lungs. They felt constricted, like a rope was tightening around her throat. She clawed at her arms. Again, the pain hardly registered. she couldn’t risk a hot shower. Alfred could come home and he complained about their water bill if she was in there too long. 

She slid her razor out from the inside of a hollowed-out book. A guide for the best tourist sites of Canada. Something Alfred would never touch and that she knew well enough to not need. 

She slid her pants down to her knees, setting her usual towel down on the ground before placing herself on top of it. She kept it balled under her bed. She could not risk trying to wash it. She could forget it in the machines and Alfred could find it, covered in bloodstains. There was only so many times a person could call it period blood before the stains began to look suspicious. 

She hissed at the first, too shallow way too shallow so pathetic can’t do anything right, slice. The first one was always the hardest to recover from, especially if it had been a while. A whole week to be exact. The burning turned to savory calm. The addicting control it gave her guided her hand in eight, nine, ten more strokes. 

She wanted to paint in that color. Wanted it all over her skin. It was the only time her thigh looked halfway decent: covered in thick, hot blood. She panted in two parts ecstasy and one part actual pain. 

The pants turned to sobs. She bit down on her hand to smother her sounds when she heard Alfred arrive again. There was another voice. Probably Sakura. Maybe Julchen and Matthias. She didn’t care. What mattered was cleaning up the blood, bandaging the marks, and getting her pants back up before Alfred came investigating. She probably had a good fifteen minutes. He was extremely oblivious, especially when people he enjoyed being around were over. 

She got that down with time to spare; blade wiped off and hidden and towel stowed safely. So she journaled her intake of food for the day. She kept a tally of all the calories, even if she had purged them from her body. She could never be sure how many demons were left inside her, plumping her up. 

She would check the scale as soon as Alfred’s friends left. 

_ Deep breath. In for four. Hold for two, Out for four. Hold for two. Repeat... _


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Very negative self talk, depression, anorexia, restriction.

Nights were frequently the worst. When Alfred was asleep and she, drowning in exhaustion, lay wide awake in bed. Her stomach would growl and spin with each new rush of anxiety and scare any remnants of sleep that dared creep her way away. 

It was then that she realized she had completely forgotten to write down her day’s worth of caloric intake. She sat straight up, heart stopping in her absolute dread. She could have just gained twelve pounds from eating anything at all today. She was stupid so stupid so irreparably moronic. 

She scrambled out of the embrace of her nice, warm bed to the comfort of her journal. Breakfast… what did she have for breakfast and at what time did she have it?

She couldn’t remember. She wracked her brain but the days were blurring together. Did she even eat food this morning? Maybe she didn’t eat at all today. Was today a fast? She was pretty hungry, so it might have been. But her lardass was  _ always  _ hungry, a food whore, so that was not proof.

What day was it? Thursday. So it was not a fast. She limited her fasts to the weekends when she wouldn’t be risking fainting in class. She could sleep for long periods of time and watch TV with Alfred where he was too distracted to notice she hadn’t eaten all day.

So what  _ had  _ she eaten?

A banana. Fuck. Bananas were  _ bad _ . Why had she eaten a banana today? She could remember the powdery sweetness on her tongue so nauseatingly sweet with a residue on her teeth that would remind her for hours of eating the poison poison poison fatfatfatfatfat…

Alfred had tossed it to her. That’s right. They had been in a rush. He was trying to be sweet by grabbing her breakfast. He had class with her that morning so there was no escaping and throwing it away. She’d been forced to eat it. 

She wanted to puke just thinking about all that sugar. 

She wrote down the 105 calories. She tried to limit that amount of intake to two meals. Not one  _ item, fuck.  _ Thursdays were 200 calorie-even days.

She would have to exercise even more than usual tomorrow. 

What was next? Did she eat lunch? One tablespoon of chopped peanuts. 80 calories. Okay. That was better. So long as she did not eat more than 15 calories for dinner. What had she had? Did she have anything?

Her gatorade. She checked the bottle. Exactly half empty. She took a deep breath and relaxed. 

She had stayed within her goal. 

She wrote down how many calories she had consumed by eating which foods. 

Her heart slowed down, but something was still bothering her. 

She was forgetting something. Something important. 

_ Stupid stupid stupid piece of shit basket case no one likes you Alfred will leave too just like everyone else of course he has noticed you’re so obvious can’t do anything right he notices he just doesn’t care he doesn’t care because he knows how disgustingly fat you are you stupid reckless pig.  _

“Fuck fuck fuck…” She whispered, ripping her shirt off her body. Her fingers traced up her stomach. She could feel all the gross, sweaty rolls burying her rib cage. Her beautiful, white perfect ribcage buried under hundreds of icky pounds of skin, soaking in greasy, yellow fat fat fat. Her collarbones were hardly any more prominent and there was so much fat on her hips she couldn’t even tell where the hip bones were. 

She pinched at her skin, pulling at it like she could tear it off. 

She kept getting this image from a child’s movie she had watched long ago. These obese people getting more obese and their bones getting smaller smaller smaller until they couldn’t even walk because their bones were fragile, tiny, and useless. That’s what she had done to her body. She was getting so fat, her bones were becoming fragile and tiny.

She bit down on her hand to stifle her loud, broken sobs. She bit down harder harder harder, imagining her teeth sinking into the fat and ripping it off. She tasted blood. 

Unclenching her teeth, she saw the break in her skin. It was small, but satisfactory. Blood calmed her down more than anything else. It had no repercussions. No weight could be gained from drawing blood. It was safe. 

She hoped it would scar, but knew it wouldn’t. Her skin rarely scarred. It certainly never bruised. That’s why pinching didn’t help. She needed marks. She deserved  _ pain  _ and reminders of it. Happiness wasn’t something she was allowed. 

Fat girls deserved to suffer. That’s what everyone thought. That’s why fat girls never had friends or love. They had family that  _ had  _ to put up with them, at least for a while. But everyone left. Left until the girls were pretty and thin and perfect. Until they conformed. 

Hatred for herself and frustration with how good food tasted caused her to cry out. Realizing too late her mistake, she clamped a hand over her mouth. The house was quiet, but then she heard the creak of a door opening. She had woken Alfred. Fuck fuck fuck fu-

“Maddie?” 

Madelyn looked up at him, tears streaking down her face that she couldn’t hide, blood dripping from her hand, and her food journal clutched in her uninjured one. She wasn’t even in bed and it was three am. 

“I-I just.. uh, cut my hand. I didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry.” she lied desperately, her brain scrambling for anything to feed to him to decrease concern and suspicion.

He got her a band-aid. “What’re you doing up at three am?”

“I… I… you know.” she managed dumbly. 

_ Good one, you stupid fucking bitch. Makes perfect sense/ Just go eat yourself into a goddamn stupor, be just as obvious. Christ come up with something better! _

“I couldn’t sleep.” She added hurriedly, stiffening to keep from flinching. 

“Homework?” He asked, nodding to the journal she was white-knuckling like it was the only thing in the world that would save her miserable life. 

Relief flooded her as he tossed her a lifeline. “Yeah.”

“Well, your first class isn’t until like… what? One pm tomorrow? So why don’t you try to get some sleep and finish it in the morning?” He suggested.

“I’m sorry for waking you.” She murmured guiltily. 

He shook his head. “Don’t be. Just try to get some sleep, alright? Doesn’t matter if you get all your homework done if you can’t stay awake in class, right?”

She nodded, willing to do or say whatever he wanted to get him to leave her room. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks for the band-aid.” 

He grinned at her sleepily, ruffled her hair, and shuffled his way back to his room.

“What’d she want?” a soft, equally sleepy voice asked. It came from Alfred’s room. 

Oh my God. Sakura was spending the night. She’d ruined their time together. She was such a terrible sister. She’d woken both of them up because she was too weak, too pathetic to handle her pain on her own. Like she wasn’t used to burning hunger already, like she didn’t  _ deserve  _ it. Hunger was so good. Hunger was sweeter than any food, than any calorie on her hips. Her fat, wide, gross hips. She took up more than her fair share of space and now she was spilling over into Alfred’s relationship and Sakura’s life with her attention-seeking. 

She started crying again, holding a pillow to her face and staying as far from the wall she shared with Alfred as possible. She would not be causing anymore problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by my own slip-up. Yeah... Anyways. Please feel free to comment and leave kudos. I really appreciate them.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you save my heavydirtysoul from me?" -Twenty One Pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly graphic self-harm, bullying, and confusing writing because of mental illness.

She flushed the toilet, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She grabbed a wad of toilet paper and began wiping the ropes of saliva and small bits of partially digested food from her fingers, catching her breath. Another coughing fit took over her. She took a few more deep breaths. When she was certain she could walk without toppling over, she pushed her way out of the stall. 

There was a girl, Maddie didn’t know her, but from the girl’s expression, she knew what had just happened. The girl raised her eyebrows at her, arms crossed, leaning against the wall, which was sort of gross. 

“You’re sick.” The girl sneered.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Madeline tried to play dumb, pushing past her to wash her hands.

“Your eyes are watering and you’re having trouble breathing. Crap in your lungs you can’t clear, throat raw. Glands swollen. I’m not stupid, but you  _ are.”  _ the girl stepped forward, almost threateningly. “You’re already  _ fat,  _ so now you’re gonna rot your teeth? Come on. There’s something so wrong with you. Just put yourself out of your misery already. It’ll be a huge improvement.” 

The girl left without another word. Maddie felt numb. She looked at herself in the mirror. Pasty white skin that made her face look like a powdered doughnut. Baby violet eyes that watered at the drop of a maple leaf, and were pouring now like a pitcher of water gushing from her eyes. Fat arms leading to fat hands and long, fat, scarred legs. She couldn’t even shave without slicing them open and her hair grew back so quickly anyway, so her legs just stayed hairy. 

She resembled something specific. It took her a moment to place the picture in her head under a name, shaken as she was. A hot air balloon. She was a balloon drifting  through a skyful of heavy clouds thick with deadly lightning, just waiting to strike her down. “I am  _ not _ sick.” Madeline whispered clutching the sides of the sink. 

Her nails scraped at the ceramic, but the sound couldn’t pull her out of her reverie. “I am  _ not  _ sick. I’m pathetic and weak, but I’m not sick.”

She pinched her stomach hard, wincing in pain. She tugged at the excess -fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat she was drowning in fat, choking on it, melting under the weight of boiling, yellow grossness- fat, pulling it as far from her as she could. It bounced back like elastic, leaving a large red mark. “Sick girls are strong, beautiful girls. You’re just a lazy fatass wannabe. Get the fuck over it.”

Her fist connected with the mirror before she even realized she was removing her hand from the sink. The shattering glass startled her. Her knuckles ached and stung in such a distracting manner, she was momentarily able to forget her anger.

But it came flooding back, it always did. She needed more, immediately. She picked up a shard of glass for each hand and clutched it tightly. There was screaming, and she wondered who it was. Who was staring at her bloody hands and screaming? Where were they? It didn’t matter. She needed more relief, release. 

The glass slipped from her hands, slicing them even more and she gasped in pain before ramming her entire body in to the frame of the bathroom stall. Her shoulder shrieked in protest. She didn’t listen, falling to the ground in a puddle of tears. 

Her throat was raw from screaming, she was the one screaming. She clutched, tugged, yanked at her hair, clawed at her face, dug her nails into any skin she could grab at. When not every rake hurt, she became slowly aware she was attacking something other than herself.

Three adults she hardly recognized were struggling with her, trying to hold her down. They were failing. She had gone from adrift to a ticking time bomb lunatic monster freak crazy psycho on and on and on and on 

She wanted escape freedom anything but what she was. She wanted death and the thought no longer scared her. She couldn’t be fat if she couldn’t eat, if her skin peeled off her bones and left them perfect, clean, skinny. She had ripped apart the hot air balloon and was tumbling towards the unforgiving Earth with a vengeance. 

She gasped desperately for air, fighting the three pinning her to the ground. She needed to remove her skin, peel off her fat. She needed to be thin thin thin thin. They didn’t understand. Everyone was always trying to fatten her up. They liked her ugly, lonely, and disgusting. It made them feel better about themselves, at least they’re thinner, better, friendlier, stronger than her.

“I have to I have to I have to I have to I have to no no no no no no no no no no you can’t can’t can’t STOP IT” she bawled, before finally giving up.

She was fat. She would always be fat. If they wanted to bury her, she would let them. Nothing mattered anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment, kudos, or whatever. Or don't. I know this one is kinda bad. It was finished really sporadically so its a bit rushed. Apologies.   
> I'm not losing my mind or anything haha


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dunno how much more of this I will write. This may be the last chapter. There may be more, showing her road to recovery. However, as I don't actually know what recovery even looks like... there may not be.

She woke up, not recognizing where she was. Her room smelled like antiseptic, burning her nose terribly. The first thing she became physically aware of was an intense stinging pain in her hands. What had happened to make them hurt so badly? She had broken again. Must have. Because pain meant thin and more pain meant weight loss. She just couldn’t understand why it was in her hands. Usually it was in her thighs or abdomen. She blinked groggily at her surroundings, hoping someone could explain how her regiment had incorporated such aggravating pain. Maybe they could just chop her hands off entirely. That hand to remove some pounds, right?

Alfred was there. So she must be at home. Only, it didn’t look like her room. There was no bookcase and the sheets felt all scratchy and sanitary. And it was too white. The whole room was blinding her, like the Sun had decided to descend into the little space. 

And Alfred looked wrong. He looked distraught and exhausted. He looked like her on good days. He didn’t deserve to ever look like that. He deserved every happiness in the world. She couldn’t comprehend.

“Alfred?” she rapsed. Her throat was raw, like she had just threw up two meals’ worth of food. Only, she couldn’t remember doing it. She  _ never _ forgot a purge. It always burned itself and every gory detail in her mind with acidic bile. 

Alfred smiled like it physically pained him to do so. “Hey, Maddie.”

“Where are we?” 

He sighed and sat cautiously on her bed, looking as if he was concerned that if he got too close, Maddie would rip his skin off his body the way she did to herself. Poor, stupid boy. That was a punishment for her alone. “The hospital, Mads.”

“I don’t.. why?” She asked, struggling to figure out what she wanted to say. Something was clawing its way up her throat.

“You had some kind of attack and…” Alfred rubbed his face slowly before handing her a small purple book. “I found this.”

She stared at it in petrified horror. “You went through my things?” 

He nodded. “Maddie, we’re going to get you hel-”

“There is nothing wrong with me.” She stated matter-of-factly, body going numb.

His jaw dropped and she could visibly see his struggle to pull himself together. “Noth- Madeline, I have had this exact conversation with you twice already. The first time you tried to kill a nurse or something. The second time you were too busy trying to shove a plastic spoon down your throat to puke up your Jell-O to hear anything I was saying. I have never seen you act like this before, not even when you had your panic attacks. You hardly registered anything I freaking said. So I went home, trying to figure out if there was something I was missing because I couldn’t remember where all these scars had come from or ever having  _ seen  _ them. So do not tell me there is nothing wrong with you.”

Maddie gawked at him. “What?” 

Then she promptly began retching dryly over the side of the bed, her stomach cramping violently. Her entire chest was spasming and Alfred was gripping her arm for no apparent purpose and calling for a doctor. The room was spinning so quickly, she couldn’t understand how everyone was still standing. She would have fallen off the bed if not for the large plastic rails. 

Finally, her stomach stopped heaving and she lay back, panting for breath. Her whole body felt like it was being pressed down with a ton of bricks. The outright concern in Alfred’s baby blue eyes was the final straw. Something inside of her shattered burst broke combusted and she was wailing.

Her usual quiet demeanor was gone. Not an ounce of her was thinking about the doctors in the room or frightening her brother. He was  _ already  _ scared. She had  _ already ruined  _ his life. So she bawled loudly and uncaringly. Every tidal wave of violent emotion spilled from her mouth and eyes as fervidly. She couldn’t contain it any longer even if she wanted to. She was too weak, too broken, too pathetic to hold it in. And it no longer mattered. 

“I just want to  _ die.”  _ She choked out between pained cries, face in her hands. She felt like she already was dying. “I’m so tired, I can’t...  I just  _ can’t  _ do this anymore.” 

She looked to her brother pleadingly. She wasn’t even sure what she was begging for anymore. Maybe to be put out of her misery. Or maybe to just have the control taken away from her because she didn’t think she could handle it anymore.

And it was in that moment, she realized that she hadn’t been in control for a very long time. It was in that moment, seeing her purple journal and feeling the stomach drop when she realized she hadn’t written down her calories and could have gained any amount of calories and began beating herself up for not knowing the caloric contents of an IV that she realized she wasn’t even sure when Madeline Williams lost the wheel to her own body. 

Her brother didn’t remotely hesitate to draw her in his arms. He entirely ignored the warnings of the doctor that in Madeline’s state he could get considerably injured. And the move was so completely Alfred that Madeline lost it just a little more. She curled into her brother’s chest and let him rub her back and whisper soothing nothings into her ear while she soaked his clothes with her tears.

“I’m here, Maddie. I’m here. I’ve got you.”


	5. Chapter Five

They sent her home eventually. Alfred was meant to keep close watch on her, and did. However, he was not capable of being with her twenty-four seven. And she took advantage of that fact. She hated herself for it because every time Alfred found a new scar or was tricked into letting her purge she could see the guilt and heartbreak on his face. She hated hurting him. But she hated herself more.

He took away all her razors. She had been weak and showed him where she kept them. Mostly because Alfred got this determined, kicked puppy look that actually tore her up inside to refuse. He wanted to help her so badly. It was simply who he was. He saw himself as this hero that could not allow anyone to hurt. Alfred wanted to save people from bad guys. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get rid of the bad guy when Madeline herself was the problem. 

She used whatever she could find instead. She broke pieces off of pens and twisted paper clips into weapons. She hid these little bits in sticky tac used to keep her posters up and forced herself to only self-harm in the bathroom. 

Her favorite tactic quickly became burning. It was easy and the least noticeable. It sucked because it never left marks that were a suitable punishment… marks that she deserved, craved. However, it was a quick way to calm down. She would lay in the shower facedown with the water as hot as possible and let the sting sink into her skin. She liked to imagine it burning off, peeling and steaming and leaving pure, perfect bones that could not feel a thing. She liked to imagine her skin bubbling, boiling, melting off and swirling in the water down the drain. She had even come to refer to the time mentally as ‘burning fat.’

Of course, at some point Alfred would get concerned and tell her she had to get out of the shower. Once she was dressed in her undergarments, he would check her over for new scars. This had been extremely nerve wracking for her the first several times. Not because she was indecent and shy, but because he would plainly see every single fault of hers. He would see the scars, the hateful words she drew on herself in distress, and worst of all the endless rolls of fat. 

When she expressed this nervously, dying to know how fat he thought she was, he snapped. He told her she was only one hundred pounds (true, she had weighed herself every day) and that was sickly  _ underweight.  _ When he demanded to know what she thought was thin, what she was aiming for, and she told him fifty pounds, Madeline thought he would lose his mind. He stared at her, horrified for several moments. She began to panic, realizing maybe she  _ was  _ crazy. Of course it wasn’t enough. Fifty was still so fat. So so fat. Fifty was unnatural, unhealthy. She needed to lose more, more, more. And it started whirling on her head that no matter what she did, she would never be thin enough and that’s when the panic attack hit. 

He held her through it, coaxing her down, wrapping her in a blanket because she was so so so cold. It wasn’t until she became grounded once more that she realized the tears on her skin were not her own. They were Alfred’s. He was sobbing into her shoulder with his arms protectively around her. The muttering took her several more moments to place. He was  _ praying.  _ Praying to God for strength and help and saying how terrified he was. 

Alfred called their parents that day. They didn’t come. They had always loved Alfred more. Athletic Alfred. Football star with the 4.0 GPA and a full ride into college. They loved that he was loud and proud and perfect, just like them. Madeline was their failure. Their tubby, shy, insecure failure. They were not going to come and see their fat little horror just because she had fucked everything up again. 

Sakura came and Madeline wasn’t sure if Sakura was there for Alfred or for Madeline. She was significantly more helpful though. Alfred tried, he really did, bless his heart. But he couldn’t understand why Madeline was incapable of eating the hamburger he wanted her to. Sakura not only made sure the house was stocked with Maddie’s safe foods, but also helped educate her brother on bulimia and anorexia. 

Maddie didn’t like hearing those words. They haunted her, taunted her. When they were spoken, she could practically envision them in front of her. Perfect, thin girls pointing at her imperfections and cackling. Mia would mime choking herself and begin listing off every calorie Maddie had consumed and needed to purge. Ana would pull at her fat and poke her thighs and whisper “more” into her ear. And she would do more, purge and enter her calories into her little purple journal and hate and hate and hate herself. 

One of the worst days was when Alfred tried to cook pancakes for her. Pancakes used to be her favorite when she was little. And they were why she was so fat. One bite of pancake would lead to 300 hundred pancakes and fat fat fat and she would gain and gain and it would never end. She smelled the maple syrup the moment she was in the kitchen doorway and gagged  _ hard.  _ One hand placed securely over her mouth and nose and eyes big and frightened. Her whole body began to tremble at the mere aroma of the sugar-choked syrup. She could just see the bread puffing her belly up and the syrup clogging her arteries. 

Pancakes were definitely one of her worst fear foods. Her whole being went on high alert just at the thought of it and she thought she was going to faint. Oh God Oh God Oh God oh God….

The next thing Madeline knew, Honda Sakura had her sitting on the couch with her face in Sakura’s hands. “Breathe, Maddie. Breathe. In for four. One, two, three, four. Good. Now hold for two, okay? Good. Out, one…” 

Maddie followed her instructions gratefully, breathing on her command. Just for once, it felt good to not have to be in control. She was so tired and letting Sakura direct her breathing was such a nice change. 

She finally noticed her brother standing guiltily a few feet away, empty plate in hand. There were still crumbs from the dreaded pancakes residing on the plastic. He looked crestfallen and she imagined how it felt to him. Feeling like everything he did was just making his sister worse.

“It’s not your fault, Alfred. I should have a list. I’ll make one for you, okay?” 

Alfred nodding with a small smile, but she could see that he still didn’t believe her. It was strange to be on the receiving end of disbelief after reassurance. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good days are not perfect days.

It was the first good day she had in a  _ long  _ while. She didn’t even realize it was a good day until later. That was the thing about those kinds of days: you couldn’t appreciate them until it was the worst of days when nothing seemed bright anymore. 

Sakura seemed intuitive about Maddie’s moods. She knew when Madeline was anxious or about to binge. She also knew when Madeline felt safe and the best to okay she could be. Sakura just had a way of reading a room instantly. Alfred was lucky to have her in his life. Madeline hoped she found someone as amazing one day.

Madeline began to wonder if Sakura had experience with an eating disorder herself. The question burned on her tongue throughout the day before, at dinner, she blurted it out. 

Sakura froze so quickly, Madeline almost thought she had turned the Japanese girl to glass with her very words. Then Sakura lowered her spoon slowly, setting it in in her soup. (Sakura had made some traditional Japanese soup for her and Alfred. Maddie drank the broth. 35 calories, she was promised. They would make her eat vegetables after.) 

“No. I have had issues with mental disorders though.” Sakura wasn’t looking at Alfred and from the way Alfred was staring at  _ her,  _ Maddie wondered if Alfred had been told any of this. “I struggle with severe anxiety. I’ve gotten better at managing it. But there are still some days I want to lock myself in my room and not see anyone ever again.”

Alfred was frowning and reaching for her hand. Maddie smiled at his reaction. She lived a little vicariously through their relationship. They were so sweet and close. 

“Thank you for helping. I… I know I’m really difficult. I’m sorry.” Maddie mumbled into her broth shyly. 

“Hey, it’s alright. You’re not a bother, at all. I like being here.” Sakura seemed so sincere and her smile was so kind, it relaxed Madeline a bit. Half of her actually believed the statement.

The doctors had tried to insist that Madeline go to a specialized treatment facility. They said it would be the best way to get better. However, Madeline had refused and put her brother and his girlfriend into this awful situation. Neither seemed to mind, but she could only imagine how scarring and frightening it must be for them. 

No matter what anyone said though, she wasn’t going to a facility. They would force her to eat more and take away everything that calmed her down when things got out of control. She couldn’t let that happen. This was her stable ground, she needed to stay here, with her coping methods and diet. Alfred and Sakura were helpful, making sure nothing  _ killed  _ her. Everything else was to Maddie’s discretion, whether they thought so or not. Maddie would keep dropping weight until she was perfect and thin. She would become the perfect daughter for her parents. The perfect sibling for her brother. The perfect future sister-in-law for Honda Sakura. She would keep her control, just as she had it today. Things were going well. 

Madeline smiled into her soup thinking about it. With her exercise, she’d be able to be fit like her brother. And when she was thin, she could think less about food and more about school so she’d be smart too. She’d be everything her parents wanted her to be. 

The buzzer went off, interrupting their quiet little meal. Sakura flinched, having been staring at her hand in Alfred’s almost dreamily (they really were sickeningly in love). Alfred grinned at his significant other and stood to check who wanted access to their apartment. After a few moments, they were let in.

As if summoned from the depths of Madeline’s worst thoughts, her parents were standing in their living room. They looked the same as ever: her mother with her well-ironed dresses and flawless hair and her father with his expensive business suits. The living room was a mess because Alfred was a bit of a video-game slob and they looked extremely uncomfortable with the imperfection of it. Alfred gave them enormous hugs and introduced them to Sakura. Everyone pretended like Madeline wasn’t there. It was insane how quickly she could become invisible in their presence.

Marianne apologized for how late they were and Maddie had to fight her scoff. Arthur went next, explaining how he’d threatened to quit his job when he wasn’t allowed out of a meeting. Then everyone turned to face Madeline. 

“How’re you doing,  _ mon chouchou?”  _ Marianne cooed affectionately to her daughter and Maddie wanted to vomit on principle. 

Arthur and Alfred engaged in a hushed conversation while Sakura and Marianne pretended to be all maternally concerned for Madeline’s well-being. Okay, maybe Sakura wasn’t pretending. Marianne just wanted to know how fat Madeline still was. She wanted to know how far from perfect she was. Madeline doubted Marianne would care if her daughter fell over dead, so long as she was thin thin thin.

Resentment bubbled up inside her, burning and sickening as it rose in her throat. She fled from the room and found herself keeled over the toilet retching up her broth like it was poison. When she finished and went to wipe her mouth and wash her hands, she found her mother standing there. A wet rag was in her mother’s hands and when Madeline’s face was towards her, she gently began to wipe the lingering strings of saliva, bile, and partially digested food from her mouth. Marianne waited until Madeline had washed her hands before pulling her into a tight hug. Someone was shaking and Maddie wasn’t sure if it was her or her mother. Maybe it was both. They were both definitely sobbing and it hurt so badly. Madeline could feel the cold, desperate desire to just  _ die  _ washing over her. She was so tired of this.

Her mother petted her hair and kissed her cheeks, muttering rapidly in French. Madeline recognized the signs of panic in her mother and pulled her into the living room to calm down. 

“It’s okay,  _ maman.”  _ Madeline whispered softly, squeezing her mother’s hands. Arthur noticed and drew closer. He kneeled in front of his wife, hands cupping her face lovingly.

“Breathe, petal.”

The moment Marianne had calmed down, Sakura snapped. Madeline had been too distracted to notice how much the Japanese girl was glaring.

“What the hell was that? Your daughter needs your help! This isn’t about  _ you.  _ You don’t get to act like that! _You_ should be the one keeping _her_ calm. If you can’t be handle this, you will make it worse.”

Marianne blinked at Sakura for a moment before lowering her head. “You’re right. I’m so sorry, Maddie. Listen,  _ ma petite souris,  _ we’re here for you, okay? Whatever you need, we’re a family and we will help you however is best for you. We should’ve been here sooner.”

_ Liar liar liar liar liar don’t fall for it, Maddie. They don’t care. None of them care. You’re just a stupid burden. Should’ve hidden it better, you stupid failure. Now they’re obligated to pretend like they care, like we’re a loving, helpful family. Might as well start acting like you’re super healthy so they can get on with their lives. They just need to hear all the right things so they can go back to pretending like you don’t exist. They’ll just hurt you. Don’t let them in. Don’t let them in don’t don’t don’t… _

Nails dug into her skin sharply as she forced a watery smile. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madeline gets her anxiety from her mother.


	7. Chapter Seven

Things had been going well. At least… her family thought so. Maddie made sure she always sat the closest to the empty vase they kept in the kitchen. Sometimes they would keep flowers in it for holidays or whatever. It was perfect for carefully dumping bits of her food in without being noticed. Every night she would get up while everyone else was asleep and throw the food away and wash it if necessary. 

That wasn’t to say she didn’t eat. She had to eat breakfast. Sakura or Alfred would make her a fruit smoothie: ¼ a cup strawberries (13 calories), ¼ cup peaches (18 calories), and ½ cup blackberries (31 calories). Ice. No cream or yogurt. Just fruit and ice in a neat cup of 62 calories. Then they would stand there and watch her drink it. Sakura was smart. She wouldn’t even leave the room, like she knew Maddie would pour it into the sink if she did. Alfred was getting better about it. He would talk to her animatedly while she drank her poison. She knew he was trying to distract her and it was sweet and actually calming.

Lunch always consisted of one tablespoon of peanut butter and 4 pieces of no-rice sushi (cucumber, fresh tuna, and avocado). About 245 calories altogether. And sometimes she would eat dinner if their was no grains or milk products involved. It was warm and full and vastly uncomfortable. She could hardly stand to look in a mirror most days because the contents in her stomach felt like she was growing a second person inside her. The weight made it difficult to move sometimes. She could, physically. But the guilt of it would play tricks on her, convinced her that her legs would snap under the stress of carrying her massive body. She drank considerably more water than necessary to try to curb how many calories her body absorbed. 

And if she got too stressed from a situation, she had become prone to violently puking, even if she didn’t want to. Apparently she had trained her body from numerous binging and purging cycles while experiencing stress to throw up whenever she felt that emotion. Which was just fucking dandy. God, she was so completely screwed up. 

Her mom and dad were renting a hotel and basically babysat her while Alfred and Sakura were at work. She was very close to convincing them this was unnecessary, though. The only problem was that Alfred and Sakura kept unravelling her progress. Anytime she started to get through to them, one of the others would talk some sort of irrational sense back into them. They all seemed determined to make Madeline as fat and ugly and revolting as humanly possible. No one wanted her to be pretty or competent. She wasn’t even allowed to compete on the same playing field as Alfred. Her perfect perfect flawless fucking brother.

She managed to cooperate with them with as little resistance as she was capable of. 

Until Sunday. She remembered specifically that it was Sunday because the little grocery Alfred worked at was closed that day. It was always closed on Sundays because the owner was Catholic or something. Arthur and Marianne were celebrating their anniversary. It was their thirtieth and Madeline could not be happier for them. As much as they favored Alfred, they had never mistreated her. They were sweet and loving and their relationship had always given Madeline hope that she too would find love as strong as theirs. If only…. If only she were just a little prettier. 

Julchen came that day to visit. She had a big stack of papers for Madeline. All schoolwork.

“You’ve been missing so much, I just started getting two of everything so you wouldn’t get too far behind. Sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner. They’ve really been piling this shit on. How’re you feeling? We’re all worried about you. The profs have been saying that if you don’t get better soon and come to class you are probably not going to pass this semester. Don’t worry about that though. I gotcha covered, girl. I even have notes for you and I one hundred percent will go over anything you don’t understand. And if I’m not making sense, I can take questions to them to get more ‘professional’ answers for ya.” Julchen spoke a mile a minute, not slowing for a second. Her pale face was almost always tinted pink from the lack of oxygen she got from her rapid-fire conversations. 

Maddie smiled softly, glad to see her friend. Julchen handed her the papers and textbooks. 

“So why’ve you been gone so long? You don’t look sick enough to not even be able to text back.” Julchen frowned, crossing her arms. She was looking Madeline up and down and oh God she was going to see every ounce of fat and Maddie couldn’t hide it. She wasn’t wearing her sweaters and her arms were too full to cross over the fattiest parts of her. 

“I’m not sick. And Alfred took my phone.” Madeline mutter quietly, turning away to take the junk to her room.

“Your brother? What the hell? Why’d you let him do that?” Julchen demanded, shocked.

“My phone has a timer and websites he doesn-” Was she saying these words? What was wrong with her? Julchen did not remotely need to know what a pathetic little failure Maddie was. Her attention-seeking whore mouth could keep one person out of the know. 

However, surely Julchen was daft enough… She had never been particularly perceptive. After all, Maddie had been suppressing feelings for the girl long enough without her finding out. Surely Julchen couldn’t figure anything out from so little information.

“Maddie… what’s going on? Are you…. are you struggling with anorexia or something?” Julchen had never spoken so quietly in her life.

Fucking shit.

She was a statue. Stone cold, unmoving. Something in the way, an inconvenience, but something that could be ignored with learning. She was frozen to the spot. Her flesh was marble. Her blood was glue. Her lungs were still and her heart was choked with her gluey, greasy fat-clogged diabetes. She was a simple, ugly failed carving. A forgotten piece left for the better reboot. 

“Maddie?”

Shit she was going to be sick. Nausea was making her stomach spin and oh she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m fine.” Madeline’s voice wasn’t as shaky as she thought it would be nor as upbeat and convincing as she had hoped. It was dead, flat, like every sort of emotion had been vacuumed out of her. 

She continued to her room and set her books down. When she turned back around, she found Julchen frozen in the hallway. Julchen was the statue now. She was a beautiful piece of work for Madeline to stare at. And she had ruined her with her bloody life.

“Madeline… You that I love you, right?” Julchen asked, staring into Madeline’s soul with so much burning security in her blood red eyes, it was almost scary. “And I’m here for you, no matter what you need. I’ll get your homework every day. Hell, I’ll fucking do it for you if you want. Whatever can remove as much stress from your life as I can. How can I help you, pal?”

Maddie was frowning. She wanted to cry. Julchen was too sweet for her own good. 

“I don’t need you to do my fucking homework for me. I don’t need anything, okay? I’m  _ fine _ . There is nothing wrong with me. I’m just a stupid faker, okay? So don’t worry about me. And don’t bother bringing my work to me anymore. I’ll be in class on Monday. I think it’s best if you leave.” Her voice was so cold. She didn’t even know why she was yelling at the albino girl. Julchen was being kind, caring, wanting to help. 

“Maddie…”

“Get  _ out,  _ Julchen!” Maddie snapped. She was shoving Julchen, now. 

Julchen’s eyes were watering but she left. The second the door was closed, Maddie fell to the ground. Her entire body was trembling with how hard she was crying. Alfred seemed to hear and came into the room.

“What happened, honey?” His voice was soft, gentle and it rubbed her all the wrong ways.

She scrambled to her feet, launching herself at him fist-first. “I’m not a fucking child!”

He caught her by her wrist and she collapsed against his chest, slipping downward until she was kneeling, forehead against his knees. “I hate you.” she sobbed into his jeans.

He knelt down in front of her, taking her face into his hands, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. “I love you.”

Maddie shook her head disbelievingly. “Stop saying that. I don’t need you to lie to me out of pity, okay? I’m disgusting and you’re stuck with me. But you can just be honest.”

Alfred frowned deeply and opened his mouth, then shook his head. He put his arms around her and held her until she calmed down. 

They watched TV until everyone got home. Marianne made dinner. A fatty meal of carb-filled bread, cordon bleu, and mashed potatoes. Everything in Madeline was  _ screaming,  _ shrieking, rebelling. She sat down, watching Alfred, Sakura, Arthur, Marianne fill their plates with steaming, pretty poison in disguise. Her hands were shaking. 

Sakura looked up, noticing that Madeline wasn’t even making a move to pretend she was going to eat. “Hey, come on. Just have a little.” 

Maddie shook her head, refusing to look anywhere but beyond her clean, unspoiled white plate. She wanted to like that plate. Sleek and clean and perfect. No food ruining her surfaces.

“ _ Ma cherie,  _ I can make you some soup if this is too much.” Marianne offered gently.

“No, I’m not hungry.” Madeline said sternly, matter-of-factly.

“You have to eat some-” Arthur began, sounding very concerned. 

“ _ No.”  _

“Maddie,  _ please.  _ Just… just eat something for me? Come on.” Alfred pleaded, reaching for her hand.

“I said I’m not hungry. I do not want you to make me something different. I am fine. Please, just eat your stupid food and leave me out of it.” Maddie’s words were sharp and dripping with pure fury. 

She wasn’t even  _ mad.  _ She just could not eat. If she ate she would get fat fat fat fat and no one would ever love her. She would just be another stupid obese kid pretending to have an eating disorder for attention. She was not fucking even sick. She was  _ fine  _ she was just  _ fat. _

She didn’t have to look up to know they were staring at each other helplessly. She wanted to smile. She felt powerful. They couldn’t  _ force _ her to eat. No one could. And then she could be thin, tiny, and perfect. She would be deserving of love and friendships and help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I feel like crap from this Thanksgiving Meal... so here's this little vent chapter. Who am I kidding? This whole work is me trying to get rid of my feelings.


	8. Chapter Eight

They took away the scale first. Arthur would physically drag her out of bed if she attempted to sleep past six am. They would let her nap for two hours after noon. She had so far gone five days without food. She drank a lot of water. She felt numb and dizzy but she didn’t care. She knew she was losing weight. She walked around the house as much as she could manage. 

She knew why they were trying to keep her awake. Being awake meant more hours of being hungry, spending energy. They were trying to wear her out until she could not help but eat. She allowed herself one shot glass of her low calorie Gatorade a day. 

They let her drink what she chose because they were scared of making her so made she would stop consuming anything at all. Alfred did try to spike her Gatorade with protein powder only once. She still wasn’t talking to him. 

She wasn’t talking much at all. That took a lot of energy and she was pissed about the scale.

They wouldn’t let her weigh herself until she ate a full meal. And she wasn’t eating anything until she dropped fifteen pounds. They were both stuck. Maddie did not like feeling stuck.

She did not live up to her promise to Julchen to go to school. She tried and collapsed on her way out of the building. Luckily, her brother hadn’t seen or he would have likely dragged her fatass all the way to the hospital. 

Madeline was proud that she was holding strong for so long. They hadn’t even tried to get her help too which meant only one thing. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her and they knew it. Nobody was going to help someone who was perfectly fine.

Parts of her could tell how absolutely terrified Alfred was. He and Sakura held multiple whispered conversations throughout the day. She had walked in on him sobbing into Sakura’s shoulder once. She was supposed to care that he was crying. She knew that. But she didn’t. She felt too tired to get worked up over tears. She was fine and he would see that soon enough. No need to waste precious energy explaining all of that. It wouldn’t burn calories anyway.

Marianne came over. Madeline hadn’t been sure if she still would. She had stopped coming for last two of the five days. (Today would be day six of her fast. She was fucking determined.) Marianne had a bottle of Gatorade. A regular bottle. High calories. 150 calories, to be exact. There was no way she was drinking it. 

Marianne set it down on the kitchen table and sat down in front of it. She hadn’t even acknowledged her daughter yet. The seal was cracked and the lid twisted off. Marianne placed it delicately next to the bottle and turned to face Madeline who was reading on the couch.

“If you drink this entire bottle today, I will get you and new scale and let you weigh yourself. Today. You will get a weigh in for each item you consume. I’ll buy whatever you want to even help you chart this kind of thing. If you do not drink this bottle, I swear I will drive you to the nearest hospital.”

“I’m not going to a hospital and I’m not drinking the Gatorade, Mama. I’m not thin enough. I refuse to be fatter than everyone else. Look, I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me.” Madeline insisted. 

“When was the last time you ate anything, Maddie?” Marianne’s voice was steel. The last time Maddie had seen her so stern, Alfred had crashed their father’s car and broken his leg among other injuries. It hadn’t been his fault the car was wrecked so they weren’t covering repairs or medical bills. Their parents were fine about the accident, just wanted to ensure Alfred’s full recovery. Alfred, on the other hand, had his mind set on a football scholarship. No one could blame him: it was a full-ride offer. He tried to practice when he still had his cast on. Marianne lost her mind over the incident, having to take the boy back to the hospital to see how much more damage had been done. 

“You already know the answer to that.” Madeline responded quietly.

Marianne sighed, rubbing her face. “That isn’t  _ fine _ , Maddie. You are barely alive right now. Your body  _ needs  _ food. You are literally killing yourself. So if you do not eat something, I have to take you to the hospital.”

“If you try to take me to a hospital I fucking swear I will run away. I mean it. I can’t eat. If I eat I will be fat and I’ll never stop. I’m not fucking eating.” Maddie was standing and shaking. Her whole body was cold.

“Maddie. Please. Please just drink a little Gatorade…”

The room was spinning and everything felt like it was swinging from intensely sharp in focus to blurry, fuzzy. Her ears were ringing too. She needed to sit down. “Mama… Could… could I have…” she took a slow breath, feeling like she had run five miles. “Could I have a glass of water?”

“Of course,  _ ma cherie.  _ Hold on. I’ll get it for you.” Marianne rushed out of the room. 

Madeline would have called for help but she had already blacked out, body slumping to the floor.


	9. Chapter Nine

The first thing she was aware of was saying “No.” Someone or maybe multiple people were asking her questions. She couldn’t understand them, but she was tired and wanted to sleep. She just kept saying no, hoping that they would let her alone and maybe allow her some nap time. 

The second thing she was aware of was how badly her head hurt. It was throbbing. Not like she had a brick dropped on it or anything, just a dull throbbing. She couldn’t pinpoint where the source of the pain was, it just all hurt. Her body felt like… nothing. She couldn’t feel any of it. She tried wiggling her fingers to test if they were still attached to her, but she wasn’t sure if she succeeded or not.

That’s when she started comprehending questions. 

“Honey, can you tell me your name?”

“No.”

“Hey, come on. What’s your name?” 

The voice was gentle and pretty and was drawing Maddie out of her stupor. She didn’t mind either. That could be acceptable. She blinked groggily. There were a rough estimate of two people around her. One had a blurry face but really sharp red eyes. The other was a shadow. Her eyes closed again, and she groaned softly. 

Some time passed and she came back around. She opened her eyes again. 

“Hey there. Can you tell me your name?”

“Julchen.” Madeline murmured, recognizing the girl speaking to her.

Julchen laughed a little. “No, dear. That’s my name.  _ What’s _ your name?”

“My head hurts.” Madeline responded, too dizzy to understand why her responses might be concerning.

“Why isn’t she answering?” That was her mother’s voice. She didn’t understand the question, but she did recognize who was speaking.

“Mama.” Madeline answered, feeling a little more confident. They wanted to know that she was aware and hadn’t injured her head.

She had though. It hurt.

“Very good. I’m here and so is your mother. Do you know why your head hurts?” Julchen asked softly, brushing back Maddie’s hair from her face.

“I… I… Did I pass out?” Madeline asked, finally comprehending the words around her.

“Yes you did. You gave your mother quite a scare. You’re lucky you didn’t hit your head when you fell.” Julchen nodded.

“Madeline.” 

“What?” Julchen’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“You asked my name earlier.” Maddie sighed, bringing her hands up to her face slowly and rubbing her temples.

“Do you think you can sit up?” Julchen inquired. 

Maddie began to slowly, groaning in pain as the throbbing in her head intensified. She was offered a glass of water and accepted. Slowly sips. “When did you get here?”

“I was coming to check in on you since you told me you were coming to school and never did. You didn’t really think I’d leave you alone didja?” Julchen snorted, helping her with the glass. Her hands were shaking so badly, if it weren’t for Julchen, she probably would have dropped it. 

“Did you call the hospital?” Maddie voiced her fears, looking at her mother.

“No. I should though.” Marianne said. Her voice was lacking any conviction, just pure fear.

“What about Alfred?” Madeline asked, and then she really did drop the glass. Luckily, Julchen was still holding it, so not much spilled. The cup was set down.

“He doesn’t know anything. But you realize how much this is scaring him, don’t you, Maddie? He loves you.”

“He’s trying to fatten me up.” Maddie snapped.

“And what about your hair?” Julchen continued.

“My hair?” 

Julchen held up a small clump that had come out when she had been stroking her hair. “You realize you were gifted with really pretty hair, right? Eating like this.... well… the only thing getting to appreciate your hair is your hairbrush. And you know it can still be corrected. Your hair just needs a little nourishment and it’ll be strong and healthy again.” 

Her words were gentle, but cut Madeline up. She was losing her hair. It had been looking thinner but she had been so focused on the fattiness of her skin she hadn’t noticed before. 

“My hair.”

“That’s right. You want to have your hair pretty and strong right?” Julchen asked, reaching back to her head. More hair slid away from her scalp. “Nice, soft skin? Because that’s drying out. And don’t you miss having pretty nails to paint?” 

The albino girl held up Madeline’s hand, forcing her to see her brittle, badly chipped nails. 

“Yeah…” Madeline whispered, close to tears.

“Alright. Now I’m going to get you a banana, okay? One for you and one for me. And I will eat a bite for every bite you eat. That seems fair, doesn’t eat? And I haven’t eaten all day so you’d be doing  _ me  _ a favor too.”

“...okay.” Maddie’s words were slow and unsure. “Just… just one banana.”

“And your water.” Julchen grinned brightly, gesturing towards the glass.

Maddie nodded a little more certainly. “Okay.”

Marianne looked stunned, just watching as Julchen stood to get the fruit. Julchen came back with two, one already peeled. She handed the peeled one to Madeline and began peeling her own.

Maddie stared at the pale fruit dubiously. “I… I don’t know… Actually… maybe I could just have the water?” 

Julchen smiled at her, never faltering. “105 calories, sweetie. Do you know how many it takes to gain any weight?”

Maddie shook her head slowly.

“They say 3,500. That’s a really big number, isn’t it?” Julchen asked.

Madeline nodded, looking at her banana. It was little. It was just a little, slim thing.

“This banana isn’t hardly anything, is it? It’s not even ten percent of one pound. But your hair, and skin, and nails would really like that little number. Go ahead and smell it.”

She did. It smelled really good. Her stomach was a mix of nausea and painful hunger. 

She nibbled on the tip and Julchen mirrored her action. Julchen did seem really hungry. It wasn’t fair to Julchen. Julchen was thin and and pretty and perfect. Julchen deserved food. Madeline took another bigger bite. Julchen did so as well. 

The banana was sweet and Madeline was almost happy to eat it. Julchen seemed glad too, but she was good about it. She didn’t praise her or treat her like a helpless baby. She just picked up the water, handed it to Maddie, and collected the peels. 

“Drink slowly. I’m expecting you to stay put for at least an hour, okay?” Julchen instructed with a firm look at Marianne to make sure she understood. Madeline was not to be left alone. 

Marianne, who had been getting up, probably to praise the albino girl for getting her daughter to eat, nodded and knelt next to Madeline. 

Julchen left the room. 

“How’re you feeling,  _ mon chouchou?”  _ Marianne asked. It wasn’t soft or sweet. It was just a question. Like asking about the weather. Madeline liked the tone. It was easy and didn’t make her feel all stuffed with guilt.

“I’m okay. But could we not talk about me? Because I’ll start thinking about… and I don’t want to. So just… can you talk about like… You and Dad? Or your job or something?” 

“What’s the deal with you and Julchen?” Marianne asked with a bit of a smug smirk.

“Mama! She’s just my friend.” Madeline sighed. That had not been what she meant. Her sexuality was not something she liked to talk about. Ever. Everyone she knew was straight. She couldn’t be more of a social outcast. It was bad enough that she was a fat glutton, she should at least like boys. Not that anyone, boy or girl, would ever find her tubby body. It  _ was _ preferable to food-focused conversation though.

“ _ Ma cherie,  _ if there is one thing I know, it’s when someone is smitten. And that girl, when she came in and found you… She is so into you.”

“ _ What?”  _ Julchen… in love with her? That didn’t make any sense. Julchen was self-proclaimed awesome. Julchen with her perfect, long white hair that wasn’t falling out from malnutrition. Julchen with her muscles and lean body from basketball. Julchen was gorgeous. Julchen couldn’t possibly love Madeline. She wasn’t even  _ nice _ or a  _ good  _ friend to Julchen lately. Julchen, if she even liked girls, deserved someone confident and pretty and… everything Madeline wasn’t. Julchen deserved someone as amazing  _ as _ Julchen. 

“And you can’t tell me you don’t feel the same. I see the way you act with her. And Alfred-” Marianne began, smirk growing wider.

“I’ll kill him.” Madeline said darkly. 

Julchen returned with a granola bar half-way gone. 

“You still hungry babe?” Julchen asked, offering the rest of the bar.

“Uh…” she wanted to say no. She had been weak enough. But… it did look good. And Julchen looked just a little hopeful. Maybe just a bit wouldn’t hurt…

“Yeah… Thanks.” She snatched it out of Julchen’s hand and scarfed it down before she could change her mind. 

There was something in her screaming but for once… there was a voice louder than it. Her own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the last chapter and I do not want the relationship I'm working into this to confuse you guys. Julchen can't fix Maddie with a kiss and a few well placed words. The only reason it works is because Maddie is frightened about having fainted and Julchen approriately approached the topic of eating. It was not Julchen herself that got Maddie to eat. It was her approach. There will still be several more downfalls that Maddie goes through. Because love is not a cure all. That's really important for you to understand if someone you know is going through something similar. You could never love them just a little bit more and make it all better. It doesn't work like that. It isn't your fault. Just be there for them and do the best you can. Definitely talk to a professional for some advice of how you can help.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't change POV this far into a story for just one chapter!  
> Don't tell me what I can and cannot do. I liked this way the best. :(

Guilt was eating her up for wasting so much of their food. She was staring into the toilet, panting. A disgusting mixture of saliva, puke, snot, and tears was dripping in strings down her chin. She was trying so hard to be quiet but… this was not a quiet sort of torture. 

She sighed heavily and, with one hand still holding her hair back, reached for toilet paper to wipe the mess from her fingers and face. Soap, water, flush. Rinse. Gargle a few mouthfuls of water. Spit. Dry.

She hated doing this. She was such a filthy hypocrite. But seeing Maddie like that… it hurt. Maddie who was small and pure. Maddie who was so shy and with such pretty hair and soft skin. Maddie who was now so pale and tiny and  _ sick.  _

Not like her. She didn’t have the kind of restraint Maddie did. She shovelled food down her throat as fast as she could, puked what she was able back up, and was forced to exercise the rest off. The amount of hours she spent at the gym put her athletic sister to shame. 

Daniel was worried about her, as was Monika and Carmen. But she just couldn’t stop…

She had been doing very well lately. Started seeing a therapist. Trying to recover. She had gone so long. It had been almost a month. 

But then one banana turned into twelve granola bars, a bag of chocolate chips, a container of peanut butter, and Ritz crackers. She was disgusting.

And she was taking advantage of Maddie’s trust and the fact that she was sleeping. 

Marianne had left, some critical emergency at home. She promised to be back in three days. Alfred and Sakura were, she was told, on a date which was the only reason they had not been told when Madeline collapsed. And Arthur was shopping.

On the bright side, the food she had consumed would be replaced as soon as Madeline’s father was home. 

On the down side, she had wasted it. Eating it just to puke it up. 

She stared into the mirror for a long time poking at her neck. She always obsessed over her glands after a purge. It intrigued her how they swelled. She wanted to be a doctor so bad.

_ No one wanted a doctor with hands stained with vomit. _

“Alright. This was just a slip up. Take a deep breath. We’ve been here before. You knew slip ups were going to happen eventually. But you are capable of recovery. You deserve it.” Julchen said as confidently as she could to herself. 

She still felt like complete shit.

She was bloated and cramping from eating and purging so quickly. 

She drank more water and popped a piece of gum into her mouth to mask her breath. Hopefully Madeline wouldn’t recognize the swollen glands and call her out on her behavior. Madeline had enough crap going on without having to worry about Julchen’s drama. 

She opened Madeline’s bedroom door and leaned against the frame with a small smile. The girl looked so peaceful sleeping. She was long, three inches taller than Julchen, and thinner than her too. Her body was contorted into a tight ball for warmth with three blankets wrapped tightly around her body. She looked like a fluffy cat like that. It was endearing. 

Julchen forced herself out of her daze and moved further into the girl’s room and tried to gently shake Maddie awake. The younger girl blinked blearily at Julchen with her stunning purple eyes.

“Juli, I’m cold.” She muttered with a small shiver. Then one of her slim arms darted out from under the blankets and latched onto Julchen’s sweater. She tugged until Julchen fell into the bed and Maddie snuggled against her. 

This had not been Julchen’s intention but she had no protests. Maddie was a bit chiily to the touch, but she was nice to hold and the blankets were  _ very _ warm. Besides, she was exhausted. Her professors had been running her ragged with classwork. Maddie was honestly not likely to catch up. Julchen felt bad for thinking this, but Maddie probably would have to repeat the semester. 

Maddie snored. It was soft, a low grumble a bit like a contented cat. It was soothing and distracting enough to keep Julchen awake at the same time. Julchen was unlikely to fall asleep (she needed to listen to music to do so) but this was peaceful and relaxing. She really did need a break. 

The problem with breaks was it gave her lots of time to focus on how overweight she was. She actually was overweight, too. It wasn’t just part of her body dysmorphia, either. Her BMI was probably twice what Maddie’s was. It was one of the lovely fucking side effects of being bulimic. She only needed to drop 20 pounds to be a healthy weight but she still felt like an obese blob.  _ That _ was because of her BDD. 

She closed her eyes and tried to think about something else. Monika’s birthday was coming up and then it would start getting warmer outside. That would be nice. The winter had been a freakishly cold one, especially with such a lack of snow. The worst part was that Maddie hadn’t been in class for more than a month now and Julchen was mostly alone. She had her own friends outside of class but her classmates seemed disturbed by her. That was okay because she had always had Madeline. 

So Julchen had been a bit selfish in trying to help Maddie with her homework, but she couldn’t help it. She hated, feared, being alone the way some people freaked out about the concept of getting trapped in an elevator. She needed friends and confirmation they way Monika needed to see her dogs every day to keep from having a meltdown. 

And Daniel helped, but he wanted more from her than Julchen was ready for. He was in love with her and that was sweet but it was messy. Daniel was a great guy but he didn’t understand Julchen’s bulimia. He was healthy both emotionally and physically, but a relationship with Julchen was not ever going to be a healthy one. At least, not for a long time. She had a whole lot of recovery left before she was ready to dip her toes in the relationship pool. Daniel deserved better. And Carmen was a fantastic friend but her boyfriend took up most of her time. Julchen didn’t mind, either. The two were engaged after all and had a lot of wedding plans to take care of.

Monika was busy with her friends and school, too. And her little sister wasn’t really the kind of attention Julchen wanted. Monika was sweet but a bit emotionally inept. And that was fine, but not particularly beneficial in Julchen’s situation.

She needed Maddie. But Maddie was wrapped up in her disorder. Julchen wished she could take all of that hell away from her. She knew without being told that Madeline was struggling with an EDNOS which meant that she was dealing with symptoms of bulimia and anorexia. Julchen knew for a fact the whole thing was a nightmare. If there was some way she could vacuum all of it up and carry it for Maddie, she would in a heartbeat. Maddie deserved better than this shit.

So did Julchen. She had to keep reminding herself that.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short and terrible. This chapter was so rushed.

She woke up warm. At first she assumed the warmth was from the arms around her. But then she felt the warmth in her stomach. A feeling only present when she had eaten. 

Maddie groaned, prying herself from the person spooning her. Julchen stayed asleep, lucky Maddie. She could tell, even before she left the room, padded down the hallway to the kitchen, that she was going to binge. 

Her head was spinning and the room was maybe moving, but not too badly for her to be certain of anything except she needed food in her body right now.

The kitchen was well stocked. Alfred had just gone to the grocery store. 

A jar of peanut butter and a packet of oreos later, and she was hunched over the toilet.

Three fingers curled down her throat. It was painful but weirdly comforting at the same time. The cold water came up first. Then the taste of sugary icing and dry, creamy peanut butter was lingering on her tongue as her stomach heaved up its contents. 

It wasn’t until her eyes cleared enough from the stinging tears that she saw the blood. It was almost unnoticeable. Little specks. And one or two drops on her fingers. But it was enough to scare her. She stared at her hand for a moment in pure shock. Her whole body was numb as she flushed the toilet, wiped off her face, and washed her hands of the gunk. 

She shook Julchen awake and the girl seemed to know she had purged just from the look on Madeline’s face.

“What happened?”

“There was blood. Help me…. please. I’m so scared.” Her voice quavered and shook with terror. This had never happened before but she knew blood was a very bad sign. 

The look on Julchen’s face would have torn Maddie to pieces if she had been capable of being any more scared than she already was. As it was, Julchen managed to keep her tears back, climb out of bed, and drive Madeline to the hospital. 

She had to fill out a quick form and then sat in the waiting room, Julchen holding her hand tightly. The girl was muttering in German and it took her a minute to realize that Julchen was praying. Madeline forgot sometimes that Julchen was Catholic.

“Madeline Kirkland?”

The words barely registered and it took all of Maddie’s energy to force herself to stand. Julchen helped. 

A needle was inserted into her wrist, blood was drawn and an IV was hooked up. Julchen answered questions when necessary because Madeline had begun crying so hard she couldn’t speak. 

A doctor came in two hours later to say she was medically cleared. A nice, chubby man came in too. He had a thick beard and bald head and asked her a lot of questions. He told her he had been trying to place another girl all day too. 

She was offered a seventy-two hour crisis center. She accepted. 

The man led the way in his car and Julchen followed. A man and a woman greeted her. The man was large, with long dark hair in a ponytail. The woman was small, with long dark hair and a pretty smile. They asked her more questions and explained how their facility worked. Julchen left to pack a bag for Maddie. 

She was checked in, signed several forms, and shown to her room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to go on hold. To explain, this chapter is just the beginning of what happened to me this week (along the lines of, anyways), hence why its been so long since I have updated. This chapter is only here so I can get this announcement out. I'm going to really try to focus on recovery right now. If a chapter /does/ come out it is strictly for coping purposes.   
> On the bright side, I'm four days clean!   
> Wish me luck everyone. You'll probably see a chapter at Christmas. Holidays are pretty rough.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I sort of hate this chapter because to me it feels so empty of emotion. Part of this is because I'm recounting events from over a month ago so bear with me. The story will pick back up once she's out of the center. It's just important to me to capture what I went through at the youth center I was in. I have changed some events to fit Maddie's character though.

The man introduced himself as Mr. Carlos. The woman was Miss Mei. They talked to her for a long time, thanking her for being so open about her eating disorder. She wasn’t even sure why she was sharing, something in her was just spitting the words out like a cyclone. When she started to panic working on what they called a “Think Packet,” Mr. Carlos pulled up her favorite book on audible. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she read. She used to love reading so much. 

They let her make her own meal under their supervision, of course. Healthy foods weren’t really an option and under any other circumstance she would have freaked out. As it was, she was too much in some form of shock to care what she was putting in her body. Tomato soup. Which wasn’t too bad anyways. They tried to get her to make a grilled cheese to go with it, but she shut that down.

Miss Mei had her wash the dishes and then let her color for an hour before she had to shower. She was inclined to purge just on principle while in the shower, but something was stopping her. She was grateful for it. Something about the place, the people, was encouraging her to just  _ try.  _ She still had to coax herself out of the shower with a few lyrics from a song she hardly knew but it did the trick. 

They didn’t like that she wasn’t on any medication and recommended she visit a psychiatrist when she left. That was insulting and then scary. And then it just sounded  _ reasonable.  _

Bedtime was 8:30 and Madeline was exhausted so she did not mind going to bed early. As soon as she lay down, however,  she tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. The mattress was thin and she could feel the springs digging into her skin. Eventually, sleep drowned her in pitch black. 

 

Someone new woke her up. She was a larger woman, soft and smiley, with short hair. Maddie dragged herself out of her bed, dressed, and entered the main room. The soft woman was sitting at the table with a Chinese woman. The Chinese woman was typing on a computer and did not look up when Maddie entered. 

“Do you want some breakfast? We have cereal…?” 

Maddie shook her head. She actually felt a bit sick. “Could I just have a glass of water?”

A glass of water was fetched for her and she was asked to sit down with the two women.

“My name is Yekaterina, but you can call me Miss Kat. And that’s Chun Yan.”

Maddie nodded, sipping at her water and trying to settle her stomach. 

“We need you to work on a think sheet and then you can color or read until lunch,” Miss Kat explained. 

A small, stapled packet was passed to her and she stared at the first question, feeling frustration bubble up in her. It was a crossword, listing good and bad qualities. She struggled more than she thought she would. Words that made sense with the description didn’t fit in the boxes. And it wasn’t until she moved on to the rest of the packet that she found the words it wanted out of her. Honestly, it felt rather contrived. She filled it out anyways. She would do what they wanted her to.

Chun Yan left to grocery shop and Madeline spent the afternoon just talking to Miss Kat. She learned about the woman’s younger brother and sister (who Miss Chun Yan had a massive crush on by the way) and she told Miss Kat about her own life. She even went into detail about her fears that she’d never find someone she loved like Alfred had with Sakura. 

No one had ever been so understanding and kind to her. And while Miss Kat was making her lunch (a chicken salad), she began to cry and cry. Miss Kat let her cry for a few minutes without saying a word and then the woman started singing. It was a nonsensical little piece, but Madeline felt oddly comforted by it. Miss Kat didn’t make her explain why she was crying and she was grateful for it. She wasn’t even she herself sure why.

She purged her salad and Miss Kat seemed so terribly saddened by it, that it broke Maddie’s heart. She had to do another think packet about eating disorders specifically and then they talked about the purging a little. 

Maddie colored the entire time through this, sometimes snapping the pencils when the anxiety of it ate her up. If a pencil snapped, Miss Kat fell silent and let Maddie color until she calmed down. Then the conversation picked back up. 

Miss Kat took several notes during the conversation and it wasn’t until Maddie’s page was finished that she realized Chun Yan had been gone quite a long time. She didn’t ask Miss Kat about it and she wasn’t given an explanation. 

At two, she requested a nap. She was feeling drained. She wasn’t allowed caffeine either and her head was pounding. They couldn’t give her pain killers because of legal reasons. She was surprised when Miss Kat let her nap. It was only for half an hour but it was worth every minute. 

Chun Yan was back when she woke up, and once again on her computer. They allowed her a few hours of TV in order to do their notes and because she had completed her think packets. They traded out with two new people, both girls. 

They introduced themselves, but they talked so little with her that she forgot their names. This was not their fault. After her nap, she just lost her willingness to speak. She wanted to sew her lips shut and never say another word. Everything felt so exhausting.

They had her make herself dinner (Chicken nuggets), wash the dishes, shower and then she was allowed to sleep early despite it only being seven thirty. She crashed the second the blankets were over her body.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to pick up again. Yay! You're finally going to get to see her in a school environment next chapter! And her getting proper help. Yay! (I will, as I have done with this whole piece, be using my own knowledge and experience for what happens with her. The only difference is age and that we are at different levels of care/progression with mental disorders)

The next two days went smoothly. She ate every meal and fought the guilt. It became easier, simple. It was strange how simple eating was. After doing so she would feel guilt but the staff just talked to her and… she was there to get better not purge and it was encouraging. She was scared to leave, to lose that feeling.

A man came two hours before she was to leave. He was elderly and African American and the kindest person. He took her to the youth building where he worked and into a hot house. It was a small little room with glass walls. Potted plants were everywhere, most just saplings or dirt. He had her help him water them while they talked. He asked about her family and school and future. 

“It’s important to water the plants, to love them. They’re like people. You have to nurture them or they’ll die.” He told her and then asked her to pick out a plant of her own. She selected one with two sprouts. The smaller sprout was just a little stem with two big leaves. The other was a long vine of sorts with those leaves growing off it. The vine was so long they had to wrap it twice around the pot in order to carry it back to the center. 

She named her plant Stella. 

*** 

Alfred picked her up. The moment he saw her, she was tackled in the tightest of embraces. Her anxiety reared its ugly head along with the excitement of seeing her brother. The wicked deed of trying to give her caloric fatty powder was forgiven. And yet… she was still so frightened of returning home. Of being away from this safe space with people to talk to at every given moment and just the general air of ‘you have the strength to get better’ around her constantly. 

He jabbered away about Sakura and their parents. He didn’t get into a deep, feel-y conversation about her leaving. Maddie was intensely grateful for it though she suspected that the subject would not be avoidable forever.

He was clever, weaving in the information she wouldn’t like with his normal babble. Finding out she now had a psychiatry appointment and assessment was delivered in the same breath as Sakura thinking about getting a cat. 

No one was at the apartment when they got back. Sakura was supposedly at the gym and their parents had left for their home. According to Alfred, they were attempting to move closer to their children. She knew why, she knew it was so everyone could keep an eye on her. She didn’t mind it yet, but she knew it would suffocate her quickly.

Alfred made her a cup of coffee and sat her down at the kitchen table. She sipped at her coffee while Alfred examined her with his bright blue blue blue eyes without a word. 

“You’re going to school tomorrow.” He told her seriously.

“Alfred… I-” She started to protest, ready to tell him her classmates were not going to see how grossly fat she had gotten while at the center and then bit her tongue. She had to change her way of thinking. She was not grossly fat. She was underweight. Underweight and skeletal and frail and everything she had wanted to be except she was dying. Food was important. Food was necessary. Food was the nourishment her body needed to live. And she did not want to die. Not now. “I’m scared.”

He nodded. “I know. I’m going to talk to your teachers with you about your situation, okay? We’ll get it arranged so that you can work at your own pace. I don’t want deadlines to make this situation worse. Everyone wants to work with you, Maddie. We just need effort from you.”

“I’m trying.” Madeline whispered.

“I know, I know. And I’m so proud of you for the progress you’ve made so far. We’re just going to get people to help. You never have to go through anything alone, okay?” 

Maddie nodded and Alfred stood up, kneeling next to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his face into her shoulder. They sat like that, embracing loosely, comfortably, for several moment. It was this moment that allowed the anxiety of what would happen when she came home to seep out of her pores. Things were going to suck, to prod and trigger her, to be a struggle, but she could do this. She could recover, even if it took years. She could.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a mess because I don't know exactly what I'm doing but hey. It's here and that's what counts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alice is Female North Italy  
> Lovise is Female Norway

She fell asleep on the way to school. They lived off campus, on the other side of town. It was a rather big city for being a college community. Alfred shook her awake after he parked and when she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, she didn’t recognize the place.

“I thought I was going to school today?” Maddie questioned, eyes flickering about the surroundings.

“You are, just not the same school.”

“Alfred-” Maddie’s voice was shaky but a clear warning.

“Hey, trust me, okay? Let me tell you a little about it before you shoot it down. I did a lot research about this. So do you know what outpatient is?” After a quick nod, he continued. “So this is sort of like an outpatient program, but it’s also a college. Some guy formed it for people…”

“Like me?” Maddie demanded impatiently.

“Well, yes, but more than that. It’s a facility for those that are having difficulties. Depression, anxiety, anything. The teachers are all trained to deal with outbursts though if anyone is a threat, they will be suspended. It’s very safe. And you can work at your own pace. Missing classes is not an issue because they post everything online as well for those that can’t make it in. They’ll really work with you, okay?”

“I don’t know, this just… it seems like a lot.” Maddie sighed, chewing on her lip, examining the large brick building once more.

“Please give it a chance. It scares me…. You being at home. And this could be really good for you. Please try?” Alfred pleaded. 

Maddie looked at his blue eyes, full of hope. He was right: being at home was not safe for her and she knew it. It left her too much free time, too much to think about. “Okay. I’ll give it a chance. But how is this being paid for? This has to be really expensive.”

“The assessment we have scheduled will cover most of the costs if you are applicable. Any other expenses will be just like regular college. So please just don’t worry about money.” 

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this.” Maddie laughed, trying to ease her own nerves.

“Of course I have. I care about you more than  _ anything,  _ Maddie. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve hurt you but I’m trying, okay? I just want to do everything I can for you. And I know I don’t understand and I’m still going to be stupid and mess up again, but I’ll always be here for you. I really want you to know that.” Alfred was so sincere and his eyes were watering and shit she was going to cry.

She tackled him as best she could in the car in a tight hug. “I’m going to try to, Alfie. I promise you. I’m going to work hard, okay? Please just be patient with me.” 

He kissed her forehead and dried their tears. “Alright, then let’s get in there.”

She followed him inside, hiding behind him a bit timidly. The walls were all pastel colors. Soft yellows, powdery blues, warm reds and oranges, dusty greens, gentle lavenders danced before her eyes and she wanted to comment about the overkill but her words were stolen from her. There was two girls sitting outside the attendance office and the sight frightened her. 

The first was a ghost of a girl with thick red-brown curls. Her golden brown eyes were surprisingly dull for her olive skin to have so many laugh lines around her mouth and eyes. The girl was petite and frail, shivering in her way too big sweater… Everything Madeline wanted to be. And yet, the girl was so clearly  _ sick _ that it was terrifying. Maddie could practically see her wasting away before her very eyes. She felt a strong urge to wrap the girl up in a gentle embrace and show her all the love in the world. The poor girl looked like she just needed someone to care, just once.

The second was a stony-faced girl that looked ready to bite the hand off the person next to her if she so much as breathed too hard. However, the intimidation ended at her face. It took one quick glance at the rest of the girl’s body to see she was more frightened than anyone in the room. Her knee was jiggling with the bouncing of her foot and her fingers were digging into her arms. God, her  _ arms.  _ They were… well, frankly, a mangled mess. Angry red scratch marks intertwined with neat, thin, long white scars up and down the girl’s arms, all the way up to her shoulders. The worst was the two thick white scars, one on each of her forearms. They were not horizontal, like all the other marks. They were very clearly a failed attempt at… Tears pricked Maddie’s eyes and she wondered how the girl could stand to wear that tank top. Maybe she had to. She did look very uncomfortable.

Madeline sought out her brother’s hand, squeezing it for reassurance. He glanced at her. “It’s going to be okay, Mads.” 

She nodded slowly, finding her breath again. One, two, three four. Hold for two. Out for four. Hold for two. Repeat. 

The olive-skinned girl looked up at their voices and broke into a massive grin that didn’t reach her lifeless eyes. “Hey! Are you new too?” 

Maddie opened her mouth to respond but no words came out. Anxiety had taken a tight hold on her tongue.

“Shut up, Alice.” The stony-faced girl muttered with a harsh bite that made the other flinch. The stony-faced girl drew her fingers from her arms and ran them through her long, silver-y hair, fiddling with the little cross pin keeping her bangs out of her face.

“Don’t mind Lovise.” Alice informed Maddie, finding her smile again. “She doesn’t like newbies. They stress her out.” 

“Shut UP,  _ Alice.”  _ Lovise hissed burying her face in her hands. 

“Sorry.” Alice whispered, patting her shoulder gently and looking back up at Maddie. “What’s your names?”

“I’m Alfred, and this is my sister Madeline.” Alfred spoke up when Maddie didn’t.

“Oh, I have a twin brother too! You’ll meet him later.” Alice laughed. 

“What are you waiting for?” Maddie finally managed to ask.

“The principal. She has to get us checked in. Is this your first time here?” Alice asked, scanning the two.

Maddie nodded. 

“This is my second. I thought I was ready for normal college but… Well, and Lovise is always here. If this was an inpatient facility, she’d probably live here.” Alice shrugged.

Lovise did not seem to like that comment, standing up and walking to the other side of the hall, away from Alice and her fast words and thick, Italian accent. 

The four of them fell into an awkward silence. Lovise was called back first, then Alice.

When Maddie’s name was called, Alfred sort of had to pull her all the way into the office. Her nerves were spiking like crazy, making her shake. She was so scared of this new place and its people. People she was certain would trigger her whether nice or rude. Alice was thin and Lovise had scars and Maddie wanted those things so badly it  _ hurt- _

Shit. Knock it off, stop. Recovery. R E C O V E R Y. 

The first thing they did was get a list of what she was struggling with. 

An undiagnosed eating disorder, obviously.

Anxiety, no surprise there.

The depression label surprised her though. She wasn’t sure why because…. well, it was true but she just… had never realized.

Because she had an eating disorder they weighed her.

104 pounds. 7 and ½ stones. 47.2 kilograms. She had gained. Fuck she had gained.  _ Fuck.  _

And that was good and she  _ knew _ it was but she didn’t know it and it made everything  _ hurt.  _ She felt sick. She wanted to purge, immediately even though she’d only had a glass of water in the last hour.

Alfred gripped her hand, grounding her, pulling her back. She had to  _ breathe…  _

They checked her for scars but they were almost all entirely on her thigh so she sort of had to tell them that. 

Then the principal came and started explaining how their system would work. She tried really hard to pay attention but she just kept seeing Alice’s fragile collar bones and Lovise’s deadly scars and 1-0-4 painting her vision. 

It was going to be a long day. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my goodness, a mostly fluff chapter? What! Yes.

For the first day, they had her sit in on each of her classes without having to participate so that she could “readjust to the pacing of a school environment.” It was extraordinarily different than what she could remember from her college experience. For one thing, the students were never left alone. There was always at least two staff members in a classroom at all times. The teachers rotated out of the classrooms instead of the students, which almost made sense. The only kink in the system was the fact that not every student in each class was taking the subject directly following and had to be escorted to the classroom that would be the proper subject. However, it was surprisingly minimal occurrence. 

Each desk came equipped with an emergency buzzer that would summon an in-crisis person an orderly to escort him or her to a psychiatrist or other professional. They also had to visit with a therapist once a week (whether through video chat or in person depending on the immediate situation), and a psychiatrist once a month to be assessed for necessary medication changes. 

The professors taught differently as well. Lectures were strange, requiring more input from students that could manage it. And most of the learning was done through online modules of sorts that allowed each person to progress at their own pace. 

Lunch was likely the most hellish. Those who were there for eating disorders were required to be weighed before lunch period (though the weight was not told unless specifically permitted) and meals were planned according to the nutritional needs of each person. Maddie had been asked before her first class what foods she would not, could not, consume no matter the circumstances to prevent her from being too triggered. It was helpful.

Most of her meal was fruits, vegetables, and nuts. She did have one large dinner roll and a glass of milk she was required to consume as well. That was significantly more difficult. She ate her way through the other items, but the roll stared at her, burning into her soul. Her mind was trying desperately to calculate the calories but it had been a long time since she had eaten one and she was having difficulty adjusting the calculations to fit the undetermined size. The paranoia was saying 200 hundred. 200 hundred too many. However, something small inside was whispering a safer number. 75 to 80 calories. It did look good. Flaky and warm and pleading to be on her tongue, to make her  _ fat- _

She gripped her thigh tightly and took a small bite out of it. The taste was blander than she had been expecting and she appreciated that. It was easier to consume, to feel less guilt, when it didn’t  _ taste  _ chock-full of calories. Even though her mouth was dry, she couldn’t bring herself to drink the milk. No one would tell her the fat content of it and not knowing if it was whole or low fat or one percent or two percent drove her mad. She could not drink it. 

She was praised by an idiot orderly for the amount she  _ had  _ eaten on her  _ very first day.  _ That nearly made her punch the woman in her bright, sunshine-y face. Madeline made a note to dread lunchtime. 

The rest of the day was manageable. She had one class with Alice whom she decidedly  _ adored.  _ Alice taught her that some students were temporary residents of this place, sleeping in the few dorms on the top floor. She also explained the bars on the bulletproof glass windows that had made Madeline minutely claustrophobic up until that point. Apparently, the had a real problem with jumpers. 

Alice had also taken to trying to come up with random positive sayings and translating them into Italian to entertain Madeline who could not participate in the modules or class discussions. Maddie enjoyed it, if for the fact that it was funny watching Alice’s nose wrinkle up as she struggled to find words in Italian to substitute for an English word that didn’t translate properly. She hoped they’d be friends from there on out. She could use it, even if Alice’s nervous energy and bird-boned figure set Madeline on edge. No one was perfect. 

Alfred picked her up from school, hugging her so tightly she thought she might just snap in half from the pressure on her spine. He was bouncy the entire drive home, incapable of sitting still for one moment. He clearly wanted to tell her something but was holding off until he was certain her day had been nothing short of fantastic too.

She was excited to relay the day’s events for him. She found herself jabbering on about the odd, pleasant atmosphere of the place, annoying orderlies, and her new maybe-friend. She was so busy talking she didn’t see the big ball of fluff bounding towards her when she walked in the door until she was on the floor. A big, warm and rough tongue licked at her cheek, cold, wet nose against her forehead. When the pup greeted Alfred with similar treatment, she was able to see that it was a beautiful, white great pyrenees and retriever mix. 

“Oh, you lovely thing!” Maddie cooed. “Yes, you are so pretty.” 

The dog was instantly distracted from Alfred and began returning her affections with adorable nuzzles and laps at her hand. 

“Her name is Kuma. Sakura and I bought her today from a rescue home. She’s the sweetest thing, Maddie.”

“How old is she?” Maddie asked, other questions whirling in her head. Things such as whether they were even allowed a pet in their apartment.

“One year. You should have heard the story this guy told us about her. Apparently her previous owner was planning on drowning her and her siblings but his buddy bought her off him and brought her to the home. We just went in to pet them, because you know how much I love puppies… But I just couldn’t leave her there.”

“Can we even have pets here?” Maddie asked, clinging worriedly to her new puppy.

“I got express permission from the landlord because she’s a rescue. As long as she doesn’t tear the place up, and we fix any  _ minor  _ damage on our own, we can keep her.” Alfred grinned brightly, ruffling the dog’s fur. 

Delight thrilled her. A new school and a dog… Things might be looking up, if just a little. She might actually be able to do this. 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourself for the next few chapters because they're going to be angsty as hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter deals with car crashes and the aftermath of texting while driving (as will the next few chapters). If this could be triggering for you or you have been in an accident of this kind, I would suggest not reading. The purpose of this story is to raise awareness to very serious issues and I've really needed to talk about the dangers of adding distractions to driving. So the purpose of these upcoming chapters is to that same effect.   
> I will be adding tags for this as I post new chapters.

She took Kuma for walks every morning before school now. They would wonder around town, so long as she ate at least one entire thing (like a protein bar or something) beforehand. If she refused to eat, she wasn’t allowed to walk Kuma. Which was a little cruel because poor Kuma had been in such a bad situation previously, and deserved to have whatever she wanted. 

It was a pretty good incentive though. Maddie had eaten breakfast every day since they got the dog, even though it took her a little while some days and couldn’t walk Kuma as long by extension. Kuma was the best dog. She wasn’t too hyperactive but super affectionate and liked to play. 

That day she and Kuma had gotten up early so they could walk longer. Maddie really didn’t even focus on the exercise of it because she was too busy trying to keep Kuma from sniffing every blade of grass they passed. They got home without too much issue because the neighborhood squirrels seemed to have learned when it was time to hide in their trees. 

Alfred drove Maddie to school, talking animatedly about his date with Sakura he planned for later that night. He always got Maddie’s approval for these things. Should he bring her flowers? Or maybe chocolate? Was that too cheesy? Oh, should he bring her  _ cheese _ ? Was that Italian place on Fifth a good date or should they have dinner at home and go see a movie?

Maddie participated enthusiastically. It felt good to have a say so, and then know the date went well. It felt good to know she herself may be a good date one day for someone.

She and Alice were discussing different books that they thought the other needed to read before their class, the one after lunch that was Maddie’s favorite, when the principal approached them. 

The principal was a woman with long, wavy brown hair that was always down and green eyes that matched her green beret and long skirt. The principal looked nervous. “Miss Kirkland? Can I speak to you for a minute?”

She hadn’t meant to. She hadn’t even realized she was doing it. But suddenly she was holding Alice’s hand tightly. She didn’t like the look on the the principal’s face. She nodded numbly, tongue frozen in her mouth.

Alice squeezed her hand, bringing the other to rest reassuringly on Maddie’s shoulder. The principal said something, but Maddie hadn’t heard a word over the buzzing in her ears. 

“I-I… can you say that again?” she asked slowly, forcing her tongue to warm up enough for slurred speech.

“A woman called, she said you need to come to the hospital. She didn’t tell me much , but something happened to your brother. She sounded… pretty upset.” 

Madeline was choking on the air, suffocating. Oh God, Alfred. Alice had to call for a ride for the two of them because Maddie couldn’t get out of her head long enough. A fog was settling heavy around her. 

The ride wasn’t that long. And Alice was with her all the way to Alfred’s room. It was supposed to be family only, but they just lied and said Alice was a cousin. Maddie needed the girl with her. Sakura wasn’t in the room and Maddie realized they wouldn’t have let her. Poor Sakura. 

But then thoughts of Sakura totally faded when she saw Alfred. He looked…  _ horrible.  _ His face was chalk pale and torn up, swollen with stitches. Tubes protruded from his throat and nose and with the other injuries wrapped in gauze, he looked almost alien. Maddie almost laughed, but it caught in her throat, suffocating her.

“Alfred... Alice.” Maddie whispered without even realizing she had decided to speak. 

“Who do you need to me to call?” Alice’s voice was soft, but steely. 

“Um…” Maddie tore her eyes off her brother and stared at the phone in her hand blankly. “Julchen?”

Alice made the phone call and Maddie sank down next to her brother’s bedside, staring at his face. She wanted to take his hand but it was buried in white fabric, so she just set her hand on his chest and tried to swallow the panic burning her esophagus. 

“C-can you find out if they called my parents?” Maddie asked, looking up to see that Alice was still on the phone. Gold eyes shot over to where Maddie was sitting and Alice nodded with a small, reassuring smile. 

A doctor came in after about an hour (Their parents were on their way, trying to book the closest flight) and he did not appear overly excited to see them.

“What happened?” Alice asked when Maddie didn’t say anything.

“His car was hit from the driver’s side by someone who had been text-”

Madeline shot up. “The other driver was  _ texting?”  _

The doctor shot her a sympathetic, exhausted-looking, expression and nodded. “This morning.”

“Th-this morning? Oh-” Her stomach turned hard and she found herself knelt over a bin, emptying the meager breakfast she had managed to consume into it. He had been driving home from dropping her off.

The doctor seemed reluctant to inform them of this, but Alfred’s condition was critical. He was less than hopeful for a recovery of any kind. Alice held her when she began sobbing hysterically. “You have to let Sakura see him. You’ve got to give her permission to come in here.”

The doctor sighed and to her surprise nodded. Sakura was brought in almost immediately. Her eyes were rimmed red and puffy. She looked like she hadn’t slept in three days instead of having just found out a few hours ago. 

Sakura didn’t give Alice a second glance, too busy wrapping around Madeline and bawling into her shoulder. Madeline wanted to console her but she was too busy choking on her tears. 


End file.
